It was just a stupid, harmless BuzzFeed quiz. What cookie matches my personality type? Hey, this is what I do when I'm plagued by insomnia. But the thing is, nothing is ever really harmless when you have PTSD. Triggers lurk in the most random places. I'm pretty aware of the obvious places to be on the lookout for them but if it were that simple, triggers wouldn't be so incredibly devastating. It's the sneaky ones that really get you. And so no, I was not prepared for the "what is your darkest secret" question on this stupid cookie quiz. Because who in their right mind actually thinks putting "I killed a man" as an answer option is a good idea? Who's taking this quiz? Hired guns for the mafia and members of the Bloods and Crips? I mean Jesus. I guess it was supposed to be a joke but it's just not funny. At least not for me. There's a LOT of things I don't find funny anymore.
I mean I still slip up, because the other day, in the presence of a PTSD suicide widow, the phrase "I want to kill myself" slipped out. (Way to completely suck.) So I guess I can't really be too mad at the rest of the world for being a giant ball of triggers when I can on occasion be just as oblivious -- and I KNOW better. I just wish that this wasn't so hard sometimes. I wish that there were caution signs or something alerting you to what was coming. It's just really freaking hard when the triggers pop out of no where and something that rest of of the world finds funny sends you straight back into the middle of the absolute worst day of your life. And NO one understands why, when everyone else is laughing, you're just trying to breathe and no completely lose your shit.
This, this would make my life SO much better. (Yeah, I get that it's completely impossible.)
Oh and by the way, I was a peanut butter cookie, which I don't even really like, and totally isn't a good match to my personality.
"You got: Peanut Butter Cookie
You’re chill as heck, dude. Nobody knows how to hang like you do. Hey, who’s bringing the brewskis? Oh, that’s right, it’s you. Way to be."
I mean, I realize that the DSM-5 reclassified PTSD and it's no longer considered an "anxiety" disorder, but we do all understand how PTSD WORKS right? I will never be "chill." And "hanging" isn't my thing. (Let's bring on a heaping plateful o' anxiety with a side order of Xanax to go along with that peanut butter cookie.) And my friends would never, ever, ever use the term "dude" when referring to me. Yuck. I like my grammar neat and tidy and proper -- even in a blog.